Waiting for all the pieces to fall into place

One of these days I am going to wrote confidently about my successes in making art. But for now I will let you in on a secret - I am winging it every step of the way.

I was updating my You Tube channel, one eye on other artists I follow, in awe of their organisation and output. Then I watched some of the videos I was uploading to my site - a tour through my archive of sketchbooks - and I realised that in the complexity of life I forget to take stock and appreciate what I do do, instead of what I don’t get around to doing, and give myself a pat on the back. Creative growth comes from turning up at the page, again and again, open to the possibilities of ‘What if….’

I ask you to appreciate how many times you show up, you create, you make, you do. To take stock of what that achievement looks like, and who you have brought joy to in sharing the delights of your process, or the gifts of your production.

It is hard to do. I am quick to self-criticise, quick to experience imposter syndrome, to look at others as better than myself. And I tell you this so that you can say ‘oh, same’ and then take on the brave task of making and arting, in spite of the angst. We judge ourselves harshly and by standards that we wouldn’t expect of others.

I want to paint. I have an image in my mind’s eye of large, colourful landscapes made of sweeping gestural and raw marks. I always tell my students not to fixate on the end point, but to embrace the process. But I find myself not embracing the process! I need space, I need a holiday!I need time out of my normal routines to be outside with my sketchbook and I need to take off the weight of expectation that says it needs to be ‘art’ and ‘good’ and worthy of a frame.

The tired, November-weary me can’t prioritise outdoors in nature time right now. But I also know it might just be the best tonic I can give myself. I don’t want the moment to pass. I have had a boost of self belief that I can paint again and be fulfilled by colour, mark, texture and line. The pictures in my head need to be born. I need the vibrant feeling of art pulsing through my eyes, my head, my hands. I want to feel that sense of being ALIVE! I need to take seriously the work of my artist soul and give her the gift of time and large sheets of paper!

And so to you, what do you need? What is stopping you seizing the day?

When I unplug my mind and walk, breathe, look; when I let myself off the hook of all the adulting I should be doing, magic can happen. But only when I take down the walls and embrace the uncertainty. I have to allow myself to be bad at the first marks, bad at stopping the voices of doubt. I have to live it through and see where it leads and if necessary allow myself to be frustrated and disappointed but still want to try again.

I get frustrated, it feels unfamiliar, contrived. But I move forward, I give myself permission, I enable myself to make the marks and time shifts, and joy can start to bubble up.

I have been considering time a lot recently. How it bends and rotates around us. It isnt linear and I don’t experience it linearly. Yes it goes, but it also loops and elongates. When I am doing something I love, time ceases to matter. I need to remember this!!

There is time, there is space and there is connection to magic. I want to seek that and feel that. To do that I know I have to BE and then DO. I need to enable myself to be in spaces that inspire me with people that nurture me but mostly I need to embrace myself fully and stop getting in my own way.

Writing helps me see what I do objectively but in the end I need to show up bravely and use my heart and soul, and not my mind, to make art.

My to-do list

• Prepare some sketchbooks with painted pages

• Get a drawing kit together and some large brushes and ink

• Go to the hills

• Be the hills

• Paint the hills

What is on your to-do list? How can you bend time? How can you do more of what brings you joy, in spite of the battles with your mind? How can you create with your heart and soul?